Some similar musing...

Sometimes I think too much (I talk too much too but maybe these things go hand in hand). Anyway, I was kneeling on the floor in front of the washing machine and fell to wondering about my new body and what it will be able to do. OK, OK I know that sounds strange and but yes I was kneeling and maybe I should explain...

It's not as if I am so religious I feel the urge to fall to my knees many times a day. In fact I do fall to my knees quite a bit when I overbalance (I once did so with a full cup of coffee and didn't spill a drop which I found (and still do find) very impressive!). Anyway, I digress (again!). I kneel a lot in the average day; I load the washing machine, put away the groceries and all sorts of other stuff on my hands and knees rather than bending. I have strong arms and shoulders, especially for a woman and I just hoick (is that a word?) myself back up to the vertical by hauling on the kitchen worktop or whatever is handy. It works for me, but will I still do this the same way after my op? Something else I do is 'help' my feet into the car or into a precise position by tugging on my trouser leg with my hand - actually its such an unconscious thing for me to do this that I am not even really aware that I am doing it. It's just that recently I was quite surprised when a friend that I have known for ages commented on it having just noticed me doing it. Of course once someone points something like that out, you suddenly become aware just how much you do it – like the kneeling!

Anyway, I know that lots of people worry before their op about how their flexibility will be affected when they have a long rod in their back but that has never bothered me. Because of the spina bifida and the type of rotation I have, I can’t twist very much and most of my back just simply does not bend (hence the kneeling again) - but I’m wondering now, will I have to learn a whole bunch of new tricks just to be able to load the washing machine?

Maybe I should just use a laundry service and then I wouldn’t have to wonder about any of this ever again!

Doing things for the last time?

I'm finding it quite an odd time at the moment. On the one hand I am cool about the surgery. I know I have made the right decision and will benefit in the long term from getting it done. I'm actually pretty calm about the whole thing, but with about 2 weeks to go I've got plenty of time yet to get really nervous and stressed out and make life hell for those around me (especially if I try really hard!)

Seriously though - one of the things I am finding oddest (and I don't know if other people get this too), is that every so often a thought pops into my head - wow, this is the last time I will do this! Now, I don't mean that I am going to give up my mad social whirl and everything in my life just 'cos I’m having spinal surgery. I don't expect to come home and put my feet up for the rest of my life but everything is going to change.... my clothes will fit differently for example. Styles of clothing that I never wear at the moment will become an option. I never wear jumpers with long rib sections around the bottom as the rib section rubs on where my lumbar spine sticks out – its uncomfortable and always makes me feel more crooked. Rub rub – your ribs stick out, rub rub, you're lopsided….so, I don't wear them. I like them though (they make your waist look tiny and you look curvy), so I'm looking forward to buying one of those. At the moment, I'm actually not precious at all about wearing tight tops and the like which show off my rather odd shape - I don't mind too much that other people can see it, I'm only bothered if I get reminded myself. I guess there's some kind of weird logic in there somewhere but I'm typing this quite early in the morning so I can’t think that hard...

Anyway, yesterday was the last time that I went shopping in the local big city - next time I go I will be different. I saw bunch of friends over the weekend and it's the last time I will see them like this - next time I will be different. What odd ideas our brain produces eh?

My Pre-op day

I went in today for my pre-op assessment. Much of it was uneventful and really boring as there was lots of hanging around. Still, you might like to know what went on so here goes...

I had loads of questions asked of me; do you smoke, drink, have heart attacks, take drugs??? Nope I replied to pretty much everything. Have you had an operation before? Oh gawd thinks I where shall I start… Anyway, they want to know all about allergies, anaesthetic risks, that sort of thing. Sensible stuff really. So that was that bit then back out to the waiting room- there was a lot of the back out to the waiting room so I shan't bother typing it again- you'll just have to imagine it at the end of every paragraph!

Next, I had swabs taken from nearly every orifice (I did say nearly). They will test these for MRSA - if I am a carrier then it will have to be treated before I go in.

Then I got to see the surgeon and armed with my list I kept him busy for ages. He was really good and very patient and gave me the following facts. Don't read this paragraph if you are squeamish (you have been warned!). My surgery is complicated (like me) and they won't be able to make most of their decisions until I am sliced open and they can see my insides. Firstly they will do anterior procedure, incision around the bottom of my rib cage, take out the bottom rib (for bone grafts) collapse my lung and get at my lumbar spine from there. They will take out the discs and see how flexible I am and then see how far they can reach to put rods in. Probably not far enough so they will have to flip me over and do another entry from the back (posterior) to put the rods in. I may have to have a second operation (1 to 2 weeks later) to do the posterior procedure depending on how well it's going, how well I am doing under the anaesthetic, how long it has taken up to that point and whether the surgeon wants to get home for his tea. If I'm lucky his wife will be away so he'll be getting takeaway and he'll do it all on the same day! Fusion is to be from T3 to L5 (great picture of spine here: http://www.sisonline.org/pages/spine.html). The next thing he did was to tell be about all the possible complications; things like DVT, infection, paralysis etc. A figure of 10% was put on the last one but he said that the risks of neurological and organ damage from not getting it done far outweighed that! Anyway, I had to sign forms to say I understood and that was that. I am expected to be in hospital for between 1 and 3 weeks all together and will have to spend a certain amount of time in Intensive Care and high dependency unit because apparently with the chest drains etc that they insert, you need one to one nursing. Gosh, I shall feel important!

It was then off for blood and by this time the vampire (sorry phlebotomist) had gone to lunch so one of the nurses had to do it. What excitement, I didn't stop bleeding until I had managed to fill up 3 cotton wool balls with blood. Bring back Dracula I say!

Finally I went for x-rays - firstly, it was "please bend to the right" - aha I thought, that's easy for me as that's the way my spine bends anyway but then I found I had to be propped up on a chair 'cos I overbalanced! The lady was very nice and didn't laugh at me, when she found that my centre of balance was so out of whack - I did my best weeble impression but - oops, I did start to keel over and she had to grab me to stop me from hitting the floor! Next x-ray it was "please stand up straight" (what, can't do straight, that's why I'm here!) and then " finally bend to the left" (ow ow ow - that hurt!). So, that was the end of them - I didn't get to see them to comapre them to my last lot, which I would like to have down. Hopefully I will get the chance when I'm admitted.

After all that they let me go home. Admission date is the 7th February, surgery is on the 8th February and this has been one loooong post!

All those questions your consultant can answer...hopefully!

This is a topic that comes up quite a lot on forums - you don't get much time with your consultant and there are so many things to know about such major surgery that it's easy to forget something. I shall be taking a list with me to my pre-op tomorrow! As to this list here, well, I've tried to think of everything - even the things that I've already asked, but hope it's useful to someone else:

1. What are the risks & benefits of this surgery?
2. What correction do you hope to achieve (i.e. how straight will my spine be after surgery)?
3. Will it be anterior or posterior surgery?
4. How many and what levels will you fuse?
5. How long will the operation take?
6. What will happen if I don't have surgery?
7. Are you doing the surgery yourself?
8. Will I be in Intensive Care afterwards - how long do you expect that I would be in there for?
9. How long will I have to remain in the hospital after the surgery?
10. Am I being admitted to Hospital on the day of the surgery or the day before?
11. How long will it take to recover?
12. Will I get physiotherapy to help with my recovery?
13. When can I start being as active as I was before surgery?
14. How long will it be before I can start driving or return to work?
15. What permanent restrictions are there on activity?
16. Can I talk to another patient/family that had the surgery?
17. What is the scar like?
18. Will I need a post op brace?
19. Do you plan to reduce my rib hump?
20. Is there anything I need to do to prepare for surgery (e.g. donate blood)?

Well, if your consultant lets you ask all that, then you'll be there a while, but this is pretty major surgery - you should be entitled to ask a few questions!

Wish me luck for my pre-op !

Surgery with a spoon?

I had a bad day yesterday. I had a serious muscle spasm in my back and boy did it hurt - it hung round all day as well. I hate those spasms, the 'normal' pains I can live with and although I have plenty to go round, I know what they are and where they are (the grindy one at the bottom, the scrunched up one at the side, the tweaky one by my shoulder blade ...well, you get the picture). What I hate about the spasms, is that they come somewhere new, somewhere (usually) inaccessible and they just hurt the worst of everything. Its days like yesterday that make me remember why I need the op.

A lot of the time I think I do just fine and that I am invincible and the op is completely unnecessary. Its not like when I had appendicitis. I distinctly remember being in absolute agony and them asking for my permission to operate. "Permission, YES!", I screamed, "just get this thing out of me - use a spoon if you have to". Well, yesterday was like that - not that I think a spoon is quite suitable for spinal surgery. Maybe a knife, fork and a Black and Decker drill.....

Anyway, today I have the after effects and feel like I have been kicked in the back by a horse*. I'm sure that recovering from surgery I will feel like I have been kicked in the back by an elephant and a horse will sound great. Still, at least I got a reminder of why I need to do all of this. It's easy to lose sight of sometimes.

*Not that I know what this feels like, having never been kicked in the back by a horse - however, I was bitten in the back by a horse once and from this I learned that a) horses have very strong teeth, b) they can draw blood through 4 layers of clothing and c) it's not a good idea to turn your back on them when they think you look tasty.

My poor hubby's foot (and the visit to A & E)

I may have mentioned that I walk with a limp. I don't notice it myself, in fact I'd think it pretty strange if the horizon didn't bob up and down when I walk but it does make carrying cups of coffee pretty interesting. Not as interesting as a bowl of soup - on a tray - now that is fun -"bowl of soup anyone?" (takes a step) "half a bowl of soup anyone?" (takes a step) "quarter a bowl of soup anyone?".

Anyway, my poor hubby hurt his foot recently and we took him to A & E. I decided to keep him company, besides which I have a vast knowledge of hospitals (hee hee) and know all about following the blue or yellow line. We met a very nice nurse who was walking with us towards x-ray for hubby to get his foot photographed. Oh dear she said to me - as I lurched down the corridor. Are you booked in too - no I said, I always walk like this - he's just copying me! I think she was not impressed by my unsympathetic manner...

Actually on the subject of other people who notice you limp, I get really fed up with those 'accident' lawyers. They rush up to you in the town centre - "have you been hurt in an accident?" they ask, eyeing your walking stick and limp. For ages I wondered why they always picked on me (told you I don't notice the horizon bobbing up and down) and haven't yet managed to think of anything witty or pithy enough to say to them on the spur of the moment - altho' I do admit to having asked one of them once why he thought I might have been...and he didn't have an answer...

I think I'm relieved...

I finally got the call this morning. I go in next Thursday for my pre-op assessment and then I am provisionally booked in for surgery for the 8th of February (going in to hospital on the 7th). The secretary asked me how I felt about it and I didn't quite know what to say. I phoned hubby and he asked me the same thing with the same response which is odd because I am rarely (if ever) lost for words!

Anyway, now, a bit later in the same day, I have finally pinned down what I feel more than anything. I am relieved; relieved that all the waiting, hoping and worrying is over and relieved that it is finally going ahead. Don't get me wrong, I'm still all the other stuff too, but just think in 6 months time when I have recovered, it could be a whole new life. In fact, even if I don't get best results, it will be a whole new life in that I will be much more certain of what my future holds.

I have decided to make a list of stuff to take into hospital based on other lists that I have got from (those wonderful) forums and I also thought I'd make a big pile of books, jigsaws, DVDs and CDs that I've been meaning to read, do, watch and listen to. I shall be very busy during my recovery I think...*

*Of course I will probably feel like sh*t and still not get round to reading, doing, watching or listening to any of it but still, my intentions are good!

To metal detectors at airports (and my friend's hips)

I have a friend (well it's my friend's hubby in fact) and we had fun when we went away on holiday with them. (No, not like that!) Coming back he set off the metal detector arch at the airport - "Please empty your pockets Sir" they said (in Spanish) so he complied and went back through. The thing beeped again so they got out the little hand held wand and waved it over his trousers - it beeped insistently just below his waistband on either side. "Keys" they said, "money?" (in Spanish) - "No" he said - "new hips" - it took a while but they finally got it and let us all though.

Well, I've heard that if you have rods in your back the detectors don't go off and I've heard that they do - given my experience with my friend, I can't wait to fly again once I've been operated on. Just watch me beep beep beep the place down. Keys, money, bra strap? They'll have no idea will they?

Is this really news?

I'm excited because of the potential improvements to my current quality of life and that I finally have the chance to do something about it (or at least get something done). I am also excited because I know that I don't have to look forward to a future of guaranteed degeneration.
I'm really scared partly because this is gonna HURT - but mostly because I am frightened of what the future holds. This could change my whole life - for better or worse and I am bothered by the simple uncertainty of it all. Having said that, the uncertainty of winning the lottery or not has never bothered me - and has never stopped me dreaming either...

Today I phoned the hospital…

Today I called the hospital as I have heard nothing about my operation date and I am now approaching the magic 18 month figure on the waiting list. (I think the hospital gets fined if they keep you waiting over 18 months so the chances seemed good that they might be able to give me some news). Besides which, the longer it goes on the more twitchy I get about the whole thing – I want it over with – and then people keep asking me when’s the big date like I’m getting married again or something! Actually, that’s a fib about the ‘big date’, but they do keep asking me when it is likely to be. To get back to the phone call, the person who spoke to me said she had no idea why I hadn’t been called in yet, but good news, they did know I was still waiting. That’s the good news?? Anyway, she sounded worried and puzzled in equal measure that I was still ‘dateless’ and told me she would find out what was going on. A call back is promised when the left hand finds out what the right one is doing…….

The rotational aeroplanes...

Someone once explained spine rotation like this to me and it kinda makes sense. Imagine each of your vertebrae is a little aeroplane with a pair of wings (well, they would have, wouldn’t they?) – and all the little aeroplanes sit one on top of another. If your spine starts to curve/topple off to one side the little aeroplanes end up banking to try to stop falling off the pile. For some reason (probably easily explained by a pilot, or a rocket scientist or a brain surgeon or other clever type person) they always end up banking in the direction of your curve and this gives a rotational component to your curve. All scoliotic spines have an element of rotation like this. Thus – I have two curves – my lumbar curve goes left and so does my rotation – it is a bad curve in a small space so I don’t notice the twist so much because of the small height it occupies. My thoracic curve is longer and curves to the right as does my rotation. At the top of my body, my rotation is quite noticeable – especially to me. When I look down past my errr chest (please note how polite I am), I can only see my right foot – my left one is completely obscured by my left urmm (oh heck – I can’t be too polite about this) boob! I can actually see how far I rotate quite easily. Little pilots must be working overtime….

Can you get anecdotal heartburn?

I get heartburn. Well I bet you think that's really exciting and what has it got to do with scoliosis. Strangely it started just a couple of years ago and it works like this. I go shopping, I walk too much and my back aches. I got to bed and go to sleep. At 3.30am (sometimes 4am) I wake up in agony with heartburn. It doesn't matter what I eat or drink - I eat curries, drink coffee and tequila (not in the same mug) and put all sorts of rubbish food in my mouth and don't walk too far and I don't get heartburn. I eat steamed chicken and rice but trip the light fantastic (exaggeration I admit) and am in agony!

I have a very nice doctor who gave me all sorts of tests and lots of tablets before she came to the conclusion that it was a "mechanical" problem. She thinks that with the curve and rotation of my spine (I must explain rotation at some point as its fun) - my spine lies too close to my stomach valve these days - I do too much, around it gets inflamed, presses on the valve and the next thing you know I've got acid trying to escape via my mouth. What makes it worse is the following morning I can't swallow my toast 'cos my food-pipe is sore.

Anyway, to the anecdotal comment - this is me, but I've discovered other people get this too - weird huh? So the big question is this - will they make it better once they slice me open and stretch me out on my own internal rack?

Well, Christmas has come and gone...

...and I had a really nice time. I ate just the right amount, drunk a bit too much and had loads of great pressies! In addition to that I smiled at more people than I normally do (and that's saying something as I grin inanely (or is that insanely) at lots of things and people and animals and even small babies sometimes - even if it it frightens them!)

Then there was the benefit of Christmas spirit - you know, all those people who would normally just snarl and push past you, or steal your parking place or force their way into a traffic jam (having just sailed up the outside lane that everyone has known was closed for the last 3 miles (grr - pet hate!)) - well, even they smiled and said - hey it's Christmas - lets just be patient. On such small things the world turns and I am grateful for them. It's snowing outside here - I'm going out for the evening and soon it will be New Year - life is pretty good. To all my readers, I hope your New Year is happy, healthy and prosperous!

Christmas is coming (and I'm gonna get fat).....

I can’t believe Christmas is almost upon us. Before we know it it will be January and what will come for me in the New Year?

I think I shall make a New Years’ Resolution to learn to sit up straight! Given a bit of surgical assistance it should be much easier than giving up smoking....*

* which I did urmmm lots of years ago now - so no nagging me about how its bad for me. Actually If I did still smoke it would be a really really bad idea as spinal fusion and bone grafts don't take very easily in smoker's bones. Why? I dunno but it's true.

HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!

Risks of surgery (eeek!)

One things that came out of my review appointment (which had been mentioned before) were the risks of surgery. Because I have had previous spinal surgery and some added complications (see my earlier postings) the risks of paralysis from the surgery are rather higher for me than for many people. Amazingly the risks for normal scoliosis surgery are really quite low. I think its astounding that surgeons can do such amazing things to your spine and not actually do any damage and that normal operative risks outweigh those of paralysis. Normally, it’s only about 1 in 1,000 to a 1 in 10,000 chance and throughout the surgery they fix you up to a computer so they can tell if anything untoward is happening and make sure they don’t do you any harm. Isn’t that amazing!

Anyway, sadly my risks aren’t actually that low and I was asked how I would feel about the prospect of paralysis (although obviously they aren’t going to deliberately paralyse me – I hope(!) .............

.........(I shall have to make sure I behave in hospital before I go down to theatre just in case!).



To get back to where I was, I said that I didn’t think it would be the end of the world. I already own a wheelchair for occasional use and know lots of people who have full active fit healthy happy lives who have to spend all their time in wheelchairs; they do sport, take foreign holidays and go out to the cinema or pub just like anybody else. It’s not as if I have ever been able to run marathons so I wouldn’t miss that and I don’t have a single hobby that I couldn’t do sitting down. I hasten to add here, that I don’t have a rose tinted view of this situation at all; I know that it’s not just about sitting down all day and that there are many more things to take on board. I simply don’t wish to get too D & M* here – just accept that I know a reasonable amount about being a disabled wheelchair user and am trying to take a reasonably light hearted view for my blog, about about something that is a serious subject. Anyway, at least if it did happen I am currently young enough and adaptable enough to be able to get on with my life in whichever way I have to. The alternative is this - imagine that I don’t have the operation and end up slowly sliding down a slope of frustration and pain which forces me to use a wheelchair full time at an age when I don’t find it so easy to adapt. Now that's a scary prospect!

If you are interested in all the possible risks etc involved in normal scoliosis surgery, look at this site:

http://www.spine-health.com/topics/cd/scoliosis/scoliosis04.html

It quite clearly describes the possible complications whilst also describing the surgical process.

To end on a really positive note, the surgeon at my review appointment said that he was really hopeful that he could sort out my pain – given that the pain is often what prevents me from reaching my full potential at the moment, I feel it makes all the risks worthwhile. It's all about my future quality of life - do I have one or not.....? Oh yes, and of course I am gonna end up as one of those old ladies in a nursing home with a huge set of cool scars that I’ll be able to play “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours” – and always win…!

* deep and meaningful

Why are we waiting - why-hi are we waiting....?

Well, I guess this brings me to the present and to all that happens next. I have recently had a review appointment in which I was asked if I still wanted to go ahead with the surgery. I simply don’t see that there is any other sensible alternative for the future. The thing that scares me the most, is the uncertainty of it all – both in having or even in not having the operation. If I don’t have it I am pretty much certain that I will continue to get worse – it would be very strange for things to stop progressing for me and to suddenly wake up one day completely pain free. This is however much I really hope that this would happen. Given that this is the most unlikely scenario in the world, then what choice do I really have if I want to face my old age with some sensible quality of life. As I see it, none, so I said yes, I still wanted it done.

The wait still goes on though and my latest information is that it will be sometime between January and March. This will put my wait for surgery at around 18 to 21 months – yet another recommendation of the jolly old National Health Service. At least it means I will have Christmas at home and the chance to get totally unfit and overweight by eating too much turkey and too many chocolates. A couple of days nil by mouth should sort out those extra pounds tho’!

More things that helped me make up my mind.

Well apart from all my friends urging do it do it (- actually none of them did this and life would have been a lot easier if they had - At least I would have had someone to blame! ) My friends (at least those who are 'in the know') are mostly surprised at the severity of my curves as I have hidden them so well for so long - aha(!) who knows what other dark secrets I hide from them! I think most of them think its a good idea but no-one wants to own up to it just in case I blame them later - look at me - do I look like someone who apportions blame all around me?? Do I?

The things that helped me the most were firstly the forums – lots of people who have had the op 1 month ago, 1 year ago or 20 years ago. Lots of friendly people with helpful stories – all ready to answer any questions you have however dumb they are. Information is the key to it all for me and the only way that I could ever feel comfortable with the decision I was making. The next thing, is a book by David K. Wolpert. This book is called Scoliosis Surgery – the Definitive Patient’s Reference. This is available as an e-book – you just pay for it and then download it from http://www.curvedspine.com/author.htm. I printed it out and read it cover to cover – it covers the basics of scoliosis itself, understanding spinal fusion, alternatives to surgery, preparing and planning for surgery, what happens in hospital and the recovery process. It is just stuffed full of good information (although I can’t comment on the hospital/ recovery bit – yet!). If you are in the USA you can actually buy it as a proper book too – either from http://www.scoliosis.org/ (NSF) or even from Amazon. Finally, and I guess this has made a huge difference to me – are the other people that have blogs too. They are all a huge source of inspiration to me. They’ve been tinged with horror too – all that talk of pain and all, but still just all the things I want to know. Thanks (in order of those who were first to get sliced and diced) - Kat, Monie and Spinewhine!

Something that helped me make up my mind

Someone on one of the forums has put together a questionnaire to help you in the decision making process. Up to the point that I did it I felt I was very 50/50 about the need to get it done - I did the survey and found out that I only had 1 'shouldn't do it' and everything else was 'should do it'. Ooops - shows what great judgement I have. Anyway, it's interesting and you can find it here:

http://www.scoliosislinks.com/ShouldYouHaveSurgery.htm

I had better mention at this point that the compiler is not a doctor or any kind of medical person (as far as I know) but has had the surgery herself and seems to know an awful lot about it. Information is strength I think in this kind of situation - if you visit any of the forums on a regular basis (even if all you do is read them) - it's amazing what you will learn - and sometimes it's to do with scoliosis too!

Well, I made my decision (finally!)

Finally I went back to the clinic and told them I had decided to go ahead – turns out they had already put me on the waiting list 6 months before and said they would have taken me off if I had told them to. Obviously they were much more convinced by the whole idea than I was at that stage...

All my friends say things like ‘your health comes first’ but I was still uncertain really – I can’t say why. I think that for all the problems I have, I know what they are right now. The only thing is that I also know they are getting worse. I know that it is much more painful to do things that were easy a few years ago. I now use a cane to walk – it helps with my balance, reduces some of the sideways impact when I walk and the extra push I get from my arm helps to propel me along. My many multiple walking speeds, which used to be slow, very slow, dead slow and stop have now simply become dead slow (and stop of course) – I have no other speeds in me any more and yet still I don’t want to give in to it. I have a wheelchair which I use if there is extended walking involved, but most of the time I am too stubborn or proud to use it and end up paying for my pride for days (or even weeks) after. This is even when I have a really cute set of wheels – not for me the drab grey of the National Health chair – oh no ! – my chair has a purple frame and front wheels which have flashing lights in them as they go round. This is all very appropriate for me – purple and flashy could be my middle names! (Hee hee!)

I know in my heart that things are not going to improve and that life is going to continue to get more difficult but despite all this, I still wonder if I have made the right decision. Why? I know I am not alone in this – so many of the wonderful people in the brilliant forums (see My Links) seem to have second thoughts about the surgery - because of uncertainties some never agree to have it and even many of those who have gone through it are wracked with doubt beforehand. Maybe it's because while we are all able to cope in our own way (even if that gets more limited with time) we feel that we're doing fine because we are coping? For me, as much as anything, I guess it comes down to the fact that I never compare myself to people who have no problems - but tend instead to make comparisons with people who have far worse problems and then thinking that my life is really OK - that somehow it's not so important to straighten out my spine after all. Odd, isn’t it…

Decisions decisions....

I guess this is where my story starts to get just like anyone else’s who is considering scoliosis surgery. Of course there will be many parallels in my history, progression of pain and magnitude of the curve, but not everyone has any other spinal abnormalities.

Many long hours have gone into considering whether I should have surgery or not. My sideways lean has now gone over so far that if I don’t bend one leg when I stand I am in constant danger of falling over but still, every time I have a relatively pain free day I wonder if I’m doing the right thing or not.

These pictures show my curves nicely – the one with the line on it shows the actual location of my spine.



I look at them and think it can’t be right to be walking around like that – especially not when it can be straightened – if not totally, at least to a sensible level. If I leave it and it gets worse then all sorts of internal organs get squished and it is going to get more and more painful – so why aren’t I just jumping up and down at the prospect of getting it done? Actually jumping up and down is not something I’d be much good at since nature did not bless me with that good a control of what my legs can do. But still, you get what I mean!

Anyway, it’s a big operation. There are lots of risks to consider, it will hurt (of that I am sure) and altogether it’s not a decision to be taken lightly. I spent many months agonising whilst waiting for my next appointment at the clinic to see the surgeon again. The outcome of that will be another posting. Still, at least you got to see the scary pictures of me without a shirt…