Spontaneous Transplantation?

I do hope this post doesn’t gross you all out, but you see today I found a hair on my chest!

Now, I do have a theory (all that wondering does that) and that’s that it may have been a case of spontaneous transplantation. You see, as many of you know, I use an epilator – under my arms! I do that because I am “hard” – or possibly because I am “a real man” ^*1, or maybe just because I like the results, but regardless, it involved plucking your hair out by the roots – and lots of them at a time. Inevitably some of them fall downwards (that’s gravity that is) and I fear that one of them may have dropped into my bra. Being recently plucked (and therefore still ‘alive’) and in the warm and cosy environment of my bra I fear it may have spontaneously transplanted itself into my chest. Now, I don’t know too much about the subject (maybe I should ask Elton John?) but it seems feasible. So, what of this stray hair? Well, it’s gone, plucked and gone and there’d better be no more where that came from!

Of course, there is another theory, and that’s that it got lost from the great internal hair ball and took a wrong turning. I of course know that there is a great internal hair ball (and not from living with cats!) but from observing men. You see many men are basically lazy (not hubby of course) and the older they get the lazier they get. Assuming that the old adage of lazy mind, lazy body stands, then they will also have lazy hair ball and hair won’t want to do all that struggling upwards to get to the top of the head, oh no, it’d much rather take an easy route out through the ears or nose or just push its way out through the chest somewhere close. This is of course why men go bald on top but get hairier and hairier in odder and odder places as they get older...

Now, I want to make it clear – I am not a) a man or b) lazy and as to the hair, well, you decide...

^*1I was famously called this by a friend when I once decided to smack myself in the mouth with a lump of metal and then didn’t cry.....!

Sorry.....

So sorry, but these cracked me up.....


1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?
13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
14. What hair colour do they put on the driver' licences of bald men?
15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered if Chinese mothers use toothpicks?
16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the post?
17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
18. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.
19. Ever wonder about those people who spend two pound a piece on those little bottles of Evian water?
Try spelling Evian backwards:
20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
22. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that 1 enjoys it?
23. Why if you send something by road it is called a shipment, but when you send it by sea it is called cargo?
24. If a convenience store is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the door?

Reader involvement

A while ago, I added some little boxes to go at the end of each post so people can tell me if they like the post. Dunno what subjects the boxes should be tho’ so any opinions would be appreciated...be nice to see them used too....

Also, I was wondering the other day - if quitters never win, and winners never quit, than who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead"?

Tesco photo shop 1 WH Smith 0 – Naming and Shaming – Oh yes!

So, I ordered a photo book from the Tesco photoshop and it duly arrived. I was delighted with the inside, but the cover? Well, it was like Hotblack Desiato’s Disaster Areas’s ship^*1, – all black buttons on a black background when it came to the title. OK, so maybe that’s an exaggeration, but it was black printing on a dark surface and hard to read so I e-mailed to complain. I received an e-mail from a very nice lady who asked me to return it (freepost) and she said she’d look into it. After a week or so she mailed to say that they would replace it with another cover of my choice and gave me simple and clear instructions on how to upload my new choice without paying for it. So...well done Tesco!

By contrast, I ordered 2 books for Christmas from WH Smith – both hardback copies. When they arrived they had sent me one hardback and one paperback. I emailed and got an automated response that said they would reply personally in 48 hours...but they didn’t. I emailed again and got exactly the same response (i.e. none). I phoned and after 20 minutes of ‘you are in a queue’ they cut me off. I emailed again and yet again I have had no response.

So I was wondering - what is the use of a company who is completely unreachable in the event of you having a query?

Eventually I phoned again and spoke to an 'oik' who told me that the catalogue was wrong and that the book was in fact only available in paperback so that’s what they had sent me. He said that if I wished I could return it (at my own expense of course). I got no apology and it probably cost me £5.00 in phone calls to get this information.

I will never ever order anything else from WH Smith online again and no, I don’t care that I am telling the whole world how dreadful they are....

^*1 If you don’t know who this is, you really should...!

The Park

We live opposite a park and I really love it. The funny thing is that i don’t really go into the park that often, but I still love it...and I found out from the lady that we bought the house from that she felt the same way. She told me that when she put the house on the market, she had spoken to her sister about it and her sister had suggested that since she never actually walked in it, she wouldn’t miss it all. She assured me that she would miss it, and over time I have really got to understand what she meant.

One of the great things about living opposite the park is that it means that you’re not actually opposite other houses – in fact, all that’s on the opposite side of the road to our house, are trees... I have become acutely aware of the passing of the seasons as those trees unfurl their leaves in spring and shed them in the autumn. They are home to birds and squirrels in the summer and glisten with frost in the winter. Some days the trees cast ghostly shadows through the mist and there is always some sound of nature to be heard in between the hum of cars from the main road down the hill.

Last week, just for a change, I decided to take a walk in the park and was lucky enough to spot a squirrel popping its head out of hibernation as I passed small clumps of snowdrops nodding prettily in a gentle breeze. The crocuses were just starting to show some signs of colour and there were thousands of daffodils standing in tall green spikes ready to open in time for St David’s day. It was beautiful, the traffic noise seemed to be absorbed by the green of it all and it was lovely to just take a moment to chill out in green surroundings.

So, you don’t need to go into the park at all, but it’s nice to do. I decided to tell you all, just to remind myself of how nice it is and maybe to reinforce that feeling so that I get to do it more often. In this mad manic world, its special to find a little time and space to relax in....