The USOPA

As promised in this blog post , here is my USOPA (Universal Scale of Pain & Agony). I can't be having with this idea that they use in hospital - please rate your pain on a scale of 1-3 where 1 is pain free and 3 is screaming agony - in whole numbers only please! So, this is what I think they should do....when you go into hospital, they should give you a little table or chart which has a listing from 1-10 and it should read something like this:

1. I am fine. In fact, I shouldn't even be in hospital as there is clearly nothing at all wrong with me. In fact, I am so well, that you clearly shouldn't even need to ask me how I am as I look the very picture of health!
2.  I am fine thank you but I do have a little bit of a pain when I poke it here - I am instantly cured by not poking it.
3. Now this clearly is some kind of an ache. It hurts even when I don't poke it and I'm sore if I try and twist or turn it. It is pretty much cured by avoiding twisting and turning.
4. OK, I admit it, this is pain. It's not awful, but I think I ought to take some kind of over the counter medication. I'm sure that will make me feel well enough to be able to carry on doing whatever I want.
5. OK, so maybe the over the counter stuff didn't really do the trick, or maybe it was the fact that I tried to carry on doing whatever I wanted without taking a break. I am officially 'a bit achey'.
6. I am starting to get a bit grumpy now. My thoughts are turning to slightly stronger drugs. I don't want to move but I am stubborn enough to keep going anyway. 
7. This is definitely 'sore'. I'm squirming when I sit stand or lie down just to try and find a comfy position. I am dreaming of my heat pack.
8. Right, I'm getting fed up with this now. Aren't these tablets supposed to be doing something? I am having fond memories of PCA pumps and wondering if I can mug any person in the local hospital in order to steal theirs. 
9. I wonder just how much pain the human body can take before you thump someone out of sheer frustration - even if it would probably really hurt to do so.
10. I think I might actually be dying here....
11. Really I mean it, I really do think I am dying...

Of course, I accept with the higher numbers you may need to just point since your strangled cries might easily be misinterpreted.


Now, doesn't that make more sense that 1-3??