Well, I made my decision (finally!)

Finally I went back to the clinic and told them I had decided to go ahead – turns out they had already put me on the waiting list 6 months before and said they would have taken me off if I had told them to. Obviously they were much more convinced by the whole idea than I was at that stage...

All my friends say things like ‘your health comes first’ but I was still uncertain really – I can’t say why. I think that for all the problems I have, I know what they are right now. The only thing is that I also know they are getting worse. I know that it is much more painful to do things that were easy a few years ago. I now use a cane to walk – it helps with my balance, reduces some of the sideways impact when I walk and the extra push I get from my arm helps to propel me along. My many multiple walking speeds, which used to be slow, very slow, dead slow and stop have now simply become dead slow (and stop of course) – I have no other speeds in me any more and yet still I don’t want to give in to it. I have a wheelchair which I use if there is extended walking involved, but most of the time I am too stubborn or proud to use it and end up paying for my pride for days (or even weeks) after. This is even when I have a really cute set of wheels – not for me the drab grey of the National Health chair – oh no ! – my chair has a purple frame and front wheels which have flashing lights in them as they go round. This is all very appropriate for me – purple and flashy could be my middle names! (Hee hee!)

I know in my heart that things are not going to improve and that life is going to continue to get more difficult but despite all this, I still wonder if I have made the right decision. Why? I know I am not alone in this – so many of the wonderful people in the brilliant forums (see My Links) seem to have second thoughts about the surgery - because of uncertainties some never agree to have it and even many of those who have gone through it are wracked with doubt beforehand. Maybe it's because while we are all able to cope in our own way (even if that gets more limited with time) we feel that we're doing fine because we are coping? For me, as much as anything, I guess it comes down to the fact that I never compare myself to people who have no problems - but tend instead to make comparisons with people who have far worse problems and then thinking that my life is really OK - that somehow it's not so important to straighten out my spine after all. Odd, isn’t it…