The Perfect Daytime TV Show

Whilst I have been unable to do anything (you don’t know why? Keep up, keep up…), I have watched a certain amount of daytime TV. I’ve still chosen what I wanted to watch rather than just leaving the box on all day and I am still unaware how many soaps there are on every day. Maybe they all have soporific theme tunes or something – that might explain it. Anyway, I have noticed that there are a large number of cookery/DIY/Gardening shows on along with the normal daytime stuff and after I woke up the other morning, having had one of those really bizarre dreams in which the world as you know it is completely weird and you’re married to your high school teacher who is an alien or some other such rubbish ^*1 and it occurred to me that I had, overnight, come up with the perfect daytime TV show. It goes something like this…

The show has two contestants who have to choose a house in the country and then break into it – outlining its security weaknesses. Once inside, they have to identify any valuables and then auction them in order to fund a complete makeover of every room in the house, including the kitchen. As soon as the kitchen is finished, they have to cook a meal and invite 6 perfect strangers, picked randomly out of the phone book to come to dinner. They then must re-plan and plant the front garden in such a way that the presenters of the programme can identify it easily in order to bring the contestants back to the studio. Backstage in the studio will be the owners of the house that has just been broken into and completely remodelled on a pittance. They are invited to meet the contestants. (Any abuse hurled at this point will only add to the general excitement of the show). The winner is the person who manages to complete the task in just one day and it will be broadcast in real time over 24 single hour episodes. Kergchung, kergchung…….<sup>*2

*1</sup>Actually in my dream, the house was full of things that weren’t my cats but looked like them. In reality they were man-eating monsters that had disguised themselves as cats (how they did the size change I have no idea because when they were monsters they were man sized not cat sized – I mean, cat sized man eating monsters wouldn’t be too bad, umm unless there were thousands of them of course). I would have killed them all but I couldn’t tell them apart and didn’t want to kill my own cats (they were cunning enough to never appear at the same time). I ran away (yeah right) at one point and was cornered by the back door (which wasn’t my back door, even though it was my house – in fact it seemed to be in my lounge?) and when one of them tapped me on the shoulder I screamed so loud I woke myself up. Gosh the brain is a strange thing….
^*2 I’m an addict I’m afraid on this