The all new P.W.S.B.K awards

I have decided to launch the all new P.W.S.B.K awards. PWSBK (pronounced pushbike ^*1) stands for “People Who Should Be Killed” and as an acronym is rather apt, since all the people nominated should not be allowed to drive anything with more than two wheels!

Let me present the first nominee and outline the position.

Hubby and I go shopping. I am using my wheelchair and need a wide space next to my car door so that I can easily get out of the chair and into the car. For this reason, we park in a disabled car parking space which is extra wide for easy access. Shopping is completed (along with coffee and cake) and we return to the car to find this:



The little runt of a car in the middle has just squeezed into the space that plainly isn't a space! Well, we did not key his car or smash his windows (as much as I wanted to). He is however the first nomination for this award. If you know who he is, please tell him that he is owed a knuckle sandwich…

BTW, if you have any nominations for crappy parking (of any description), please send me the photos. No- I am not publishing my e-mail address for all to see – if you know my e-mail address, great, send them to me – if not, leave me a comment and I’ll get back to you. I don’t think it would be too wise to say – "hey big world wide web – send me photos, any photos……"

^*1 I’m Welsh – of course it’s pronounced like this!

My hairdresser knew my darkest secret!

Not long ago I went to the hairdresser for the first time since my surgery. (I would have gone before but between the very idea of bending my neck backwards over a sink whilst my head is pummelled*¹ combined with the fact that up until then I felt like sh*t made me decide that I couldn’t face it.)

Anyway, my last haircut before surgery was not done by my regular ‘girl’ (I have no idea why they are all called girls, since some of them are ancient, but there you go) – instead the boss did it as my ‘girl’ was away. Consequently she didn’t know I was going into hospital and even if she had I probably wouldn’t have told her why. You see, I always tried to stand to make it look like I didn’t have any curves (apart from proper womanly ones of course) - I have no idea why I wanted to hide it, it’s not like I was ashamed that my back had gone off in its own direction (literally) but maybe I just wanted to look a bit more like a magazine model. Yep, me, the ex- 4ft 9” (now 4ft 11”) thinks that with enough make-up and the right clothes I could in fact look just like Elle McPherson (not!).

So, I went in for a nice cut and to get rid of my flowing (umm what I actually mean is unruly, greasy and straggly) locks. Now at this point you have to appreciate that I normally have short hair – but not short hair like most women my age. No, I have very short hair, in fact it’s just the kind of short hair that can look exactly like I have had a struggle with a lawnmower (though to be fair I think the lawnmower comes off worse) – it’s short and spiky (as long as I get it cut often enough) and sometimes I dye it with the brightest shade I have the courage to do. The Christmas before last I had lots of very red streaks – not auburn or ginger – really red red! I loved it and called it my Christmas hair – others were not so impressed (friends, mother etc) – hubby was cool about it, but then he usually is (he’s very laid back is hubby..). Anyway, at the risk of digressing some more, I left the hairdressers the same colour that I went in with and with not much cutting going on either! My ‘girl’ said “You should grow it, its over your ears now and it seems a waste – just think if it was long we could do all sorts of exciting things with it” – “Like cut it off?” I asked? Anyway, long story short, she won - so I am growing it to a length which most people seem to regard as short hair. In fact, now I’m a bit more used to it, I think I like it and there’s more of it to put streaks in too – seems a waste to spend all that money on just dying 2” of hair when you can do 5” for the same money after all!
Anyway, I have digressed enough about my hair; this was supposed to be about the hairdresser! I got there, walked in (with my two sticks) and sat down to have my hair washed. A conversation ensued:

My ‘girl’: ’“I haven’t seen you for ages”
Me: “I’ve been in hospital having an operation”
My ‘girl’: “Oh, did they straighten out your spine then? You look a lot less crooked.”

Rats! She had known all along and I thought I’d kept it hidden so well….

*1. Actually, you don’t get pummelled at our hairdressers, or at least not when J. is there. It’s like an orgasm in a hand basin when he washes your hair – there are ladies who don’t care who does their cutting as long as he does the washing. He even has very old ladies going weak at the knees and asking for him by name. I’m amazed his boyfriend doesn’t get jealous sometimes….

Yippee!!

Well, I had it – my review appointment that is….

It was good news, good news, good news all the way. You are looking at a girl (OK so you can’t actually see me I know) who is now free of restrictions. I can drive (yes, yes yes!), hoover to my heart’s content (just in case I would want to) and get back down the gym and the swimming pool and anything else that takes my fancy. I am to build up slowly and be sensible (hahahahahaha) but within reason I can do anything I want. There was no news on whether I could roller skate but I think I need these to do that and don’t have any in the house.

Anyway, after pitching up at the brand new swanky spinal unit at the hospital, I did all the usual stuff, got asked how I was, showed off my (awesome) scar and went down for x-ray. Wow, that was easier than I am used to! You see, they ask you to stand on both legs equally – now, if you are tipped over to one side as far as I was, all that makes you want to do is fall over sideways! Not so now - I stood up nice and tall and got my new x-ray taken. Here's a great before and after shot:


So, yes, I still have curves (and ones in my spine too) but I am older than most scoliosis patients and had a pretty inflexible spine to start with. In addition, my consultant was keen to get a balance between correction and maintaining as many flexible levels as possible. It is for this reason, he doesn’t want to do the top curve (more good news) unless I have any problems with it in the future – he just said they’d keep a close eye on it. They will also keep an eye on the fact that I now only have one flexible joint left at the base of my spine and that is going to have to do a lot of hard work in the years ahead. I mentioned that I still have a lot of pain in that area (see earlier entries about low grindy pain which I’ve had for years) and he said that he didn’t see that changing. Just for once, I actually got to see the Head Honcho, the Scarlet Pimpernel himself(!) and he was really very nice. Of course, he was very pleased with his own handiwork (not like I’ve had anything to do except heal, after all), then shook my hand, shook hubbies hand and said that he would see me in 3 months time.

So that’s it – isn’t it amazing news?

I shall do the next scoliosis (or should that be ‘post-scoliosis’) update on or around the 8th of July. I will be 5 months post op at that point. Mindless drivel will continue in the meantime….

Tomorrow's the day!

Yeah, I know it's normally today's the day, but tomorrow I have to get up early to leave the house and won't be bothering to update you before I go - sorry!

I bet you're all wondering why the rush to get out of the house, well, tomorrow is my big review appointment where they dash my hopes of driving again... No, seriously it's where they get to do my next 'big' check and let me know how many of my restrictions will be lifted. I'll let you know how it goes (probably on Friday 23rd).

Oddly, after all the phoning to demand an appointment, they sent me a letter (that wasn't odd, the next bit was), followed up with another letter for a second appointment in a months time. Now, I am sure I don't need two appointments 1 month apart, but I guess I have slipped through the system (again!). I have decided not to phone them and advise them of their mistakes just in case I get the BML again (eek!) and that she tells me tomorrows appointment is off. I have also decided not to call them just in case the second letter was supposed to contain those magic lines "due to circumstances beyond our control we have cancelled your appointment for blah and replaced it with this one blah!.."^*1. I figure that once I am there, they will have to see me, like it or not - after all, the sight of a grown woman lying kicking and screaming on the floor is likely to upset the rest of the patients after all!

Ah yes, and finally, as I'm sure you are all just dying to know and I will be overloaded with comments if I don't tell you....the builders did actually finish yesterday; they did a very nice job and cleared up after themselves. I am happy, hubby was happy when he came home from work and the cats are happy that it's all gone quiet again. I just wish everything else in life could be solved so simply.........

*1 ...and I've had a few of those I can tell you

Finishing today?

I have been promised that today the builders will be leaving. I just hope they finish the work first. Seriously they are getting on well today and everything seems to be taking shape – dunno why they have to work in such a mess, but it’s their mess so I’m not getting involved as long as they clear it up after themselves. (Eeek - don't I sound like my mother!!^*1) What they have finished looks really good so I’m not questioning the quality of their work at all – just their timekeeping….

Anyway, the boss came to the door this morning to ask how I was going to pay, cash or cheque. Oh good question, I thought, I always keep over a thousand pounds in used fivers stuck in my back pocket – I was wondering why it was so difficult to sit down…

Methinks the sarcasm would be lost on him so I said “Cheque, does it make a difference?” (thinking there might be a discount for cash or something). Nope he said – no difference at all - he just wanted to know one way or the other. I wondered though – maybe he too was wondering how he would be able to sit down with that many used fivers in his back pocket - might make it difficult to drive - after all, his legs aren't that long....

^*1 Note to self - must stop that....

Me and my big keyboard

I just knew that publishing stuff on the big ole World Wide Web that says the building work is going well will just put the kybosh on it. That is whatever a kybosh is – I mean, what a weird word! Aha ….. (simple Google search later)…. so, this is the truth behind it!

Anyway, in builder speak, I have discovered that getting it finished by the weekend does NOT mean they will work on a Saturday to do so. I’m actually now wondering which weekend they are talking about….

Good news is that the phone ‘fixed itself’ (after a bit of wire wiggling) – don’t think the damage to the drain will be fixed by a bit of wiggling tho’…

Oh yes, and even though I know that my domestic/building arrangements are of no interest to you at all, I shall continue with them just in case I need to ‘name and shame’ all those involved …

It’s all go you know…

Work is now going on apace at the back of the house, the front of the house and round the side – in fact, the only place there doesn’t seem to be any work going on is on the other side – but considering we are attached at that side I’m almost relieved! To make up for lost time, I had 7 fine young men arrive on the doorstep with the ‘main man’. There they were, shirts stripped off and glistening sweaty in the sunshine - if I wasn’t old enough to be their mum, I’d have snapped them up in a heartbeat if they’d have stopped working for a minute – but they didn’t! They got here early and pretty soon were all breaking and shovelling concrete as if their lives depended on it
- at one point the whole house was shaking on its foundations and I could settle to nothing except e-mailing some best buddies for reassurance and phoning hubby for more of the same. I did have some reason to worry as one of the builders who gave us a quote reckoned that section of the concrete they were ripping up hid a nasty surprise, a void, old drains or possibly dead bodies – but he was wrong – it was just a slab in an odd place and of an odd thickness. Well, not any more it isn’t – now, it’s gone altogether and the new path around the side is already down in its place. Next step is the patio and front path – and although I am temporarily without a phone (the cable having mysteriously been disturbed), at this rate, with these ‘supermen’ on the job, it should be done at the weekend just as predicted – it had better just be at the original price!

How do you breed this type of builder?

We need some work done on our patio and side path. We don’t have a ‘pet builder’ so I did what you are told is the right thing – picked someone who was a member of a trade federation, went for the mid priced quote and went with my gut instinct on the manner and professionalism of the guys who came out. I picked one and he was due to start on Monday. So, on the Monday morning 2 guys turned up and said that they were the sub-contractors for the job (all fine and dandy so far!). After much sucking air in over teeth at the work (having not seen the site before) they started digging and breaking up concrete and all was hunky dory until Tuesday. Tuesday they sucked in lots more air in over their teeth and said the job couldn’t be done for the money. So….. “What,” I asked “do you want me to do about it?” – “Well,” they said “we don’t know, we’re just not happy and this bit alone will cost £300-400. We want to do a proper job but at this rate we will be working for (thrusts hand into pocket and pulls out a handful of small change) – this!” – he says dramatically!!!

Fine, say I, but that’s not my problem – my contract was with the original builder – you should speak to him. “We have”, they said “and he says it can be done for the money, but we want to do a proper job” (I think trying to suggest that I wouldn’t get a ‘proper’ job unless they did it themselves). “That’s it”, I said, “I’m off to phone the builder”. This I did and he told me that I shouldn’t have to have this kind of hassle and that would call them and let them know that they were off the job. Seconds later, a mobile rang somewhere outside – there was a heated discussion and a certain amount of yelling and then lots of clanging as tools were hurled into the wheelbarrow – and then - they went!

A few minutes later my builder rang asking if I was in and followed it up with a visit less than half an hour later. “I’ll start with my own boys tomorrow – same job, original price, don’t you worry about a thing”. Just keep your fingers crossed…..

Good news (I think….)

I have just got back from physio and I have been discharged – “never darken my door again”, she said - or something like that; it might have been "come back if you have any problems" – but hey, they’re almost the same – it’s easy to get confused…

Anyway, in a nutshell she is really pleased with my progress and feels that we have reached a point about as far as we are going to get together. She feels that anything else we could do would just be “trying to get back nerves that you haven’t got” (quote unquote!). She has a point too! I have instructions to carry on walking with the two sticks when outside, since my posture and walking ability is vastly improved with the extra feedback that I get through my hands. I have no doubt that it not only makes me faster, but also much safer! (No more grabbing hold of complete strangers for me as I keel over backwards!) I have also had instructions to use the wheelchair for anything involving distance and not to be stubborn about it – partly because if I am to walk I am supposed to do so properly. If I am tired or in pain then I will not walk well so I am to be a good girl (like always, of course, what did you think?!) . At least it gives me a nice comfy chair in which to have a rest (not that you get a lot of rest when your wheelchair doesn’t have any handles!). If I wish to progress to one stick for short distances then I am allowed – especially for practical things like carrying stuff – but – I must use it in my left hand – eeek! That’ll take some getting used to! There’s a practical reason though – I still have a right hand curve in my spine so don’t want to end up leaning into it and affecting my unfused section, now do I?

Apart from that, I am to continue with all the excercises which help my balance and stuff. More than that, I may have to get extra specialist physio in particular areas, but for now, her work is done here…..

I keep looking at that picture

Do you know, ever since I posted my last update, I keep looking at those before and after photos. I really can’t believe that I was stood up as straight as I could in each one. It looks so artificial to be leaning over in the one and also to be so straight upright in the other. It’s hard to believe that either of them is me! What’s even odder is that when I first decided to have the operation, I seemed to be the only person who wasn’t completely convinced that I needed it. All my friends were, my family was, hubby seemed to be and even the cats blinked at me meaningfully when I asked them the question! Now, looking at those photos, I can see exactly why they were all convinced and I’m just surprised I couldn’t see it myself. I mean, sure, when I looked in the mirror I knew I was crooked, but I just didn’t know how far off ‘normal’ I was. Of course now, when everyone else thinks I am straight, I can look in the mirror and easily see that I still have 30something curves in my spine – but that’s fine, after all, I'm just being picky –and I mean just look at those photos……

4 months today.....

Wow! Can you believe that! In some ways, this last 4 months has been the whizziest time ever and in others it seems to have taken forever!

Anyway, to the business of catching up with things – where do I start? I think I’ll work from the top down just to be interesting so here we go.

My popping neck / top of spine is still gently popping – it doesn’t hurt at all and I believe it to be a continual realigning of my neck as it spent so many years tipped to one side just so that I could look at the horizon in a straight line. In fact, when I left hospital I was still putting it on one side just ‘cos that was what I was used to, even though it made the horizon all squiffy! I couldn’t seem to find a happy medium either – I’d realise that I was tilting it, so I’d tilt it the other way and then it would still be wrong. The world didn’t half look wierd for a bit! You will be pleased to know that I now ‘have my head on straight’ which is a big improvement!

Still working down, my scar is really nicely healed. The pink is starting to fade out of it already (I know, I’ve been surprised too!) – the only thing wrong with it is a little wide bit under my arm – but it’s nicely hidden by the bra strap so that’s OK too! The chest drain scar – despite the infection - is also starting to fade. Some of the feeling is coming back around the scar but the nerves lost in my thigh are still doing nothing – it’s very odd scratching your leg when you can’t feel it! (Very philosophical stuff comes to mind here – you can see yourself scratching but have no idea if your leg is really there or if you’re in bed asleep and dreaming your leg isn’t there – or something or other.....)!
Pain from around the scar area is OK but where they took my ribs out still gets pretty sore – I call it ‘the phantom rib’ as I have heard stories about people keeping feeling in their missing bits of anatomy after amputation etc. Never mind the phantom rib, sometimes its more like the phantom raspberry blower in that the pain will sneak up on me and stab me one before running away!. (You just don’t want to be in a car and go over a big dip, I can tell you!) The preggo belly is gone (hurrah!) but I still have some swelling around my side. I was told that this was fluid and could take months to go – looks like they’re right. If I do too much it grows which is no fun at all….unless you’re some kind of a sadist of course…

Anyway, back pain is now mostly limited to the bottom of my back (as long as I don’t do too many stupid things) and that bit of my pain is just the same as before surgery which is a bummer. I was really hoping for a magic wand to put everything right in one go, but it looks like sprinklings of fairy dust didn’t quite hit that bit. Still, on the bright side I am in much less pain from muscle spasms than before surgery (touch wood etc) and I’m very happy to settle for the great improvement in pain that I seem to have got. On the subject of pain, I am still on some pills – the nerve pain pills are still at full strength (sigh!) but I am down to 3 or 4 a day of the others. Its fine – after all, I’m still only at 4 months so I think I’m about where my surgeon expected me to be.

Speaking of improvements, check this out for a picture!

It's almost unbelievable isn't it????!!!!!^*1

As to yet more improvements, my walking is getting better all the time. I’m still walking with two sticks outside (safety first) but can get around with one (or none sometimes) in the house. I actually think in many ways my walking is way better than it was before surgery – then I used to lurch from side to side and now I feel like I am positively gliding around – you could almost put a book on my head as I do so (well, almost!). I think it’s really incredible! I am using the wheelchair for long trips outside (or where there would be a lot of standing) and I am going to be sensible over my future use of it. It has been an incredibly enabling tool for me recently and has allowed me to do things that I haven’t been able to do for many years.

I can now do loads of things around the house from getting dressed without my helping hand (although there is still a large amount of fishing for feet off the edge of the bed) to doing a large amount of the cooking (which my physio reckons is really good for me since I can grab hold of the kitchen worktop if I start to fall over!) My physio is really pleased with my progress so I think all in all everything is going well. I do still have all my restrictions in place (no swimming lifting bending driving etc etc) and the no driving is starting to pall a bit now. What am I saying – it sucks!!!! I can’t wait to get behind the wheel again (see, I knew I’d miss it!) – especially since one of the real downsides is that hubby has to give up most of a day every weekend just running me around or running errands for me – I bet he can’t wait for me to be able to drive either. Hubby is still being great and doing all the household stuff – some of the fairies have come back to help out in some small way but he’s doing the lion’s share still. So – thanks hubby!!!

Well, think that’s about it for an update – there’ll be more after the 22nd June when I next see my surgeon and find out what his next evil plans are for me……..

^*1 Yes - I really was standing as straight as I could for both the photos!!

Just a few days more…

Just a couple of days to go and I will be 4 months post op and you can all have an exciting update and some spiffy pictures…..

The mammoth posting ....added to....

A few days ago I had a mammoth posting session about our interesting trip home after a weekend away but I did forget to mention something else weird that happened.

Not long before the ‘big jam’ we had to go through a section of road works – the inside lane of the motorway was coned off and there was a 50 limit in the remaining two lanes. Well, hubby drove along, keeping strictly to the speed limit and pulled out to overtake a vehicle that was indicating left and slowing down. The guy stopped the car in the middle of the inside lane (the left one of the two open ones), got out of his car and walked through the cones to the hard shoulder. It was at this point that he got his wanger out and started watering the sparse grass that grows at the roadside (no doubt even sparser now). He left his car, with no hazard lights and just his indicators on, completely stopped, stationary, not moving, sitting as a target for unsuspecting twonks who aren’t paying attention, on the motorway. What kind of a wazzock does that – even if he was desperate he could have eased his way through the cones to pull off – they ain’t concrete after all. I’m wondering if he was in some way related to the mad alien bag lady ………..

<------distant relations----->

Linking to the world….

I am going to start adding a few non-scoliosis/back links in the other links section. They are blogs that I follow (or at least dip into from time to time). The first two I am adding are about as far from each other in terms of content as they could be but there you go – I know the people that write them and they’re not quite the same as each other either – I mean one of them is taller than the other to start with (and oh yes, don’t be clever, of course they are both taller than me!)

Anyway, “Getting the Words Out” is by a budding new author who writes excellent stuff – historical, but there you go – learn something while you read a novel, it might help your brain tick over! It contains links through to their own web page too, where you can find details about the latest publication and (most importantly) where you will be able to buy it. The second one is “50+ and proud of it”. Allegedly this is about being an executor of a will and how to deal with all the red tape that goes with it. Secretly I think it’s just a way to vent and provide a outlet for this guy’s dry wit – well, it amuses me anyway….

It’s a police conspiracy I tell you….

We went away last weekend to see my best friend who has been poorly. It was great to see her and to catch up although, as usual, our time together was much too short. I mean, how can you say what you want to (which would take at least a fortnight) in just a couple of days…anyway, she’s going to be having some time off work so we have promised each other some great girly days out and a weekend away in a foreign city trying to pick up some hunky continentals (honest hubbies, we’re only joking!). I bet you’re wondering now where the police conspiracy comes in – are the police conspiring to get us together, or to keep us apart even (which would make much more sense, given the way we behave when we’re together) – nope none of that, it just had to do with our journey home….

We (foolishly) picked a bank holiday weekend to get together – it all made perfect sense when we planned it – hubby with time off, me apparently recovering well from my op and things just slotting into place reasonably neatly around hospital appointments and the like. We decided not to travel on Friday night (too much bank holiday traffic we thought) so headed off on Saturday morning. The first interesting (hah!) thing happened on the one stop we had to make. I needed to pick up an invoice from a shop but we managed to arrive 5 minutes after the most irritating man in the world. He wasn’t just annoying, he was worse than me on getting off the point and managed to occupy 2 shop assistants and the manager whilst he whittered and rabbitted for a whole hour about stuff that I found increasingly annoying. (An hour on a hard chair does that to you if you have a bad back and need to be somewhere else AND all you came in for is a piece of paper!) Eventually I got my invoice and we got in the car and headed for England in lovely May sunshine and light traffic (actually, I’m lying here on both counts – it was heavy traffic and driving rain but the world always seems much nicer when you’re off to visit a friend!). I was highly amused at car full after car full of parents with small children in the back, several bikes (often one pink with stringy bits hanging limply off the handlebars in the rain) perched over the rear windows and either towing a caravan or with roof racks piled high with (now very soggy) stuff for their lovely weekend away (in the rain) by the seaside. Oh gosh, I remember weekends like that from when I was a kid, wet car, wet dog, wet tent and plenty of joy and good cheer to go round! (Sarcasm fully intended here).

But, back to the police – on the journey home. Sorry to disappoint you – but there were no police on the way there – just speed cameras (and hubby slowed down for every one – good man!)! We headed back late Sunday (to avoid bank holiday Monday traffic) and about halfway home saw the big information signs saying that the motorway was closed at Junction 17 with queues after 16. That was it – out with the map and we left the motorway at 16 taking an A road that runs parallel to the motorway though a small town. We headed into the town to discover temporary traffic lights at the high street with a “road closed no entry ahead” – a diversion indicated turning right – which we did. We followed the road round only to discover that we were in Sainsbury’s car park (a dead end) and that 4 cars, 2 MPV’s, a Range-rover and a large coach full of holidaymakers had followed us! (Foolish people – didn’t they know we were lost?) So, we turned around (as did our convoyGB) and went back the way we came heading back towards the motorway as there were only 2 roads in town (the one that was shut and the one to Sainsbury’s car park). Now we were heading in this direction, we could see diversion signs and – guess what – they took us to the motorway. Aaaargh! We decided to get back onto the motorway (fresh out of other choices) and take our chances. Luckily it was plain sailing all the way to J17 where we headed for the exit. Others were not so sensible and J17 had turned into a scene from hell – the air was full of the smell of burning rubber and the sounds of squealing brakes and loud bangs as all those people who couldn’t read*¹ hurtled down the outside lane and stopped within inches (or not – hence the bangs) of the car in front. Interestingly (for them) and hilarious (for us) they were just yards past the junction and therefore STUCK! Serves ‘em right for not paying attention! Gawd knows why the police didn’t cone off the motorway to stop that happening, but they didn’t, and it was ‘total gridlock mon’ *² as far as the eye could see. Well, we got off the motorway without incident and decided to ignore the direction the diversion signs pointed as that looked gridlocked too. Some other people (hopefully) with maps headed off in the same direction as us (including part of our earlier convoy I think) and we crawled up the road away from the motorway in a long queue of traffic until I had a flash of inspiration (could have been impatience actually as I was getting quite cheesed and painful by this time
) and decided to chance the country lanes. It was all going really well, when we came across a sign- it said - “road closed no entry ahead” and (deja vue here) a diversion indicated turning right! Thankfully we were out in the country so they hadn’t managed to cut off our escape route by building Sainsbury’s car park and we managed (despite running out of diversion signs) to negotiate our way through the lanes and back to the motorway past the section that was closed.

I fell to wondering (as I do) on the remainder of the journey - how did all that happen – a Bank Holiday on half term with the heaviest traffic of the year and there were more road closed signs and diversions than I’ve ever seen n my life. Well, I think I know the answer – it’s definitely a police conspiracy. I think, sometime around last Thursday, a bunch of policemen had an evening out on the pop^*3 and hatched a plan for closing as many routes as they could with road closed signs between the east and west of the country. They then drove around planting as many diversion signs as they could lay their hands on and used a series of random dice rolls to decide which junctions they would go on and in which direction they would point. They could then send up their ‘eye in the sky’ to transmit telly pictures back to their sports and social club for weeks and weeks worth of entertainment. Of course, I have no proof yet, but it’s only a matter of time until I unearth the plans somewhere on the Internet…..

^*1 Of course, I am just assuming they can’t read – they may of course be blind and their seeing eye dog (please give generously) is doing the steering and he can’t read, or maybe they’re aliens who are just trying to blend in by driving cars (and can only read Vogon^*4 or something)…..anyway you get the idea ….
^*2 is that one of the best ads ever??
^*3 Beer
^*4 Great Poetry – you should try it….here